Today was a good day to be at home all by myself! I have spent the day reading all the blog share posts – inbetween cups of coffee and feeble attempts at doing other things.
Some of the posts were heart-wrenching and others hilarious but they all have at least one thing in common – they are all so well written! In fact, I have developed a huge writer’s block from the reading of them – it has taken me a good half hour just to get these lousy lines written!
Thank you -R- for letting me be part of this.
Now, how on earth am I going to find the time to read all of these wonderful blogs once I get back to work?
February 28, 2008
Blog Share Aftermath
February 27, 2008
Blog Share Participants
Here are the other participants in the blog share. Pray with me that I managed to copy and paste all of this correctly. Today is one of those days when my brain seems to be more ‘marinated’ than usual – the signals from it go missing on the way or are scrambled by the time they reach my hands!
Everything I Like Causes Cancer
Rankin Inlet: A Journey Northwards
Blog Share
So here I am, an anonymous blogger. None of you know me! It’s a mystery! I love it. And I’m totally going to use it as a major vent session, so here we go.
First on the docket, I don’t like where I live. In fact, I think it’s EMBARRASSING where I live. You see, when I was in high school, I swore I would get away from this town and never come back. Except for visits and the occasional weekend crash-point, I would live a life gleefully unattached to all the old friends (and lots of old…err…acquaintances) I never really wanted to see again anyway. Lots of my friends had the same ideas; of course back then we all thought we’d end up sharing a loft apartment in Manhattan, ironically glamorous and almost too hip to exist. Reality set in about the same time I learned how to use the Internet to research rent in Chelsea, but even though hipster NYC living was off the grid, a life away from my hometown certainly was not.
As we all went off to college, various high school friends and I would catch up from time to time on what our former classmates were up to. Any time we heard that someone was “back at home” we would scoff, gleefully superior in our stance to stay the hell away. And now look at me. Through a series of events (none of them even negative!) I’m right back in the spot I loved to laugh at. I’m back at “home”.
Only it doesn’t FEEL like home. I remember when I was a kid and my parents were building a big house. During the construction phase, my parents, siblings and I were all crammed into the tiniest apartment you can imagine, together with about half of our furniture and belongings. It was insane; there was no room, and we all knew it was temporary. Thus, none of us really cared, we never got INVESTED in the apartment because we all knew we would be leaving it; that there was a bigger and better place for us, and so our time there felt like nothing more than time spent in the hard plastic waiting room chairs outside an office.
That’s how I feel about living here. There’s nothing really WRONG with here, other than the fact that it’s a place I don’t want to be. The people are tolerable, the living situation is actually really nice, and the relationship potential is certainly there. It just doesn’t feel like ME.
It feels like it’s my parents world, and I’m still just living in it. Everyone I meet, I feel like, knows something about my history, and they don’t know it because I wanted them to know. They know it because they’ve known my parents for years, or because they’re friends with my husband’s parents, or because their sister went to school with my brother, and do I remember that thing that happened that one time back in ’96? Ugh. I hate it.
I want to make my OWN way. I hate that I’m supposed to be friends with my husband’s friends’ wives just because we all live here. I hate that I’m supposed to want to do some kind of a family Sunday afternoon routine where we all go to the same Sunday School class, go to the church service, go to the in-laws for lunch, and then to care group that night. I DON’T want to do that. In fact, I don’t want to even see any of them on Sunday, because it feels like I’ve jumped into THEIR lives, instead of me leading my own.
I hate forcing relationships with people that I’ve known or he’s known for years, even when we have pretty much nothing in common and I have to worry about every word out of my mouth because I’ll probably offend the wife. And then, even when I do try to watch everything I say and do, just in being myself I DO offend the wife of my husband’s best friend. I hate that I am scared to write this even now, even anonymously, because what if someone here reads it? And then my life turns into total hell because everyone is mad and everyone here talks to everyone else, and pretty soon I am the pariah of the group once again and for goodness sake, CAN’T I JUST GET OUT OF HERE?
People here are sadly misinformed about so many things, instead preferring to exist in this tiny little insulated bubble of wealth and prosperity and conservative values and big diamonds and even bigger houses. There’s not an organic market to be found and people who support gay rights are frowned upon. It’s hospitals over holistic medicine and pharmaceuticals over supplements no matter what, and if you dare to step out and disagree then you are some kind of a crazy hippie. If you’re not making more than $150K then you’d better be on the fast track to getting there, or else you’re gonna be sadly left out of most discussions, trips, and all the “good” country club weddings.
The Junior League reigns supreme and “old money” abounds. It’s just not me; not in any way, shape or form, and no matter how I try (and have succeeded in some aspects) to meet people like me, to find interests that have nothing to do with money or the amassing of wealth, and to enjoy my life here, I just can’t do it. I still feel like I’m waiting for this period of life to be over, and as a very happily married woman in her 20’s, I feel like THAT is a momentous waste of time.
Obviously I need either to move or get over this and find my own way even though I’m here. Moving seems like such a simpler option, because moving always has that new gleam to it; a chance to totally start over. But maybe moving is weak – maybe it’s just another way to say that I can’t get over the things I dislike about being here; that I can’t stop comparing myself to people I don’t even like or coveting things I don’t even want. I would LOVE to just get over it. I just don’t get why it’s been so hard.
Hmmm, didn’t get many items crossed off that docket list, did I? I guess item 2 will have to wait for next Blog Share!
February 26, 2008
One Step Closer
Blood tests at the local hospital yesterday – today I got the go ahead to take the three capsules of Navelbine tomorrow. My heart almost stopped when I heard who it was because I thought the news would be bad since I’ve been more tired the last few days. Even though my body seems to be handling the chemo extremly well, I want to be prepared that this may not be the case through the entire treatment.
I’ve been invited to take part in a Blog Share! When I came across this the first time, I thought it was kind of silly and wondered what could be so fantastic about letting a complete stranger write in my blog – and why would anyone want me to write in theirs??? Well, having given it some thought I realise this is going to be great fun and a way of getting to share what others write about – and gripe about… Please watch this space on Wednesday the 27th!
February 22, 2008
Birdseed and Snowshovel
Last week the gas station had birdseed at a good price so I decided to buy some. I went in, paid for it and started talking to the manager. After awhile I left, but without my bag of sunflower seeds. Nothing to worry about – I was going back into town on Monday for my blood tests, I could pick up the bag then.
Monday and back at the gas station. Right at the entrance there is a display with snow shovels and my first thought is that it would be good to have one in the car. I go in to tell them I’m there to pick up my already-paid-for birdseed and leave – but forgetting to buy a snow shovel.
On the way home we come across a German car-tester who has sort of slid off the road in his low MB sports car. We have to go to the nearest village to borrow a – snow shovel! (Imagine how much easier it would have been if we….)
On Wednesday after my treatment, we went to a DIY-store where I picked up a headset and a mouse pad. I walked past the aisle where they displayed brooms, rakes, spades and – snow shovels, but just kept on walking.
Thursday. Again we’re at the gas station, but I stay in the car…
Friday. Had to make a quick trip to town to drop off a neighbour. En route, I decide to go to the gas station to buy the evening newspaper and – a snow shovel! First I just need to drop off my neighbour at his destination. Having done that, I proceed straight ahead to the nearest grocery store since I also need to buy a few other things. I leave the store with my paper and the breakfast cereal and head for home.
Sans snow shovel!
February 21, 2008
Second Wave and Exercise
Although a lousy picture in other ways, this is still the one where Tjorro’s floppy ear shows the best. He’s really cute when you watch him from the back – one ear stiff, the other flops around for every step he takes.
Yesterday we managed to take them both for a short run before we left for the hospital and I also did a short loop on my snowshoes. The snow was perfect – I sank down maybe 10 cm onto a somewhat harder layer.
The treatment didn’t take quite as long this time, as the nurse had fewer patients to look after. That gave me a chance to ask about a few things. I don’t need to be worried about any bouts of nausea following the rest of the treatments. Other side effects should also remain about the same, unless of course I get some type of infection or my kidneys shut down.
What I have noticed this time is that my brain is already ‘out of step’ – my sentences trail off unfinished, I go to do something and can’t seem to do it all the way, I hear what people say to me but can’t remember what they said even 2 minutes later.
Today I took Tjorro into the bush – him on the loose and I on snowshoes. Again perfect conditions for my part and even better for the dog! He is heavy enough that he can’t run full out in this snow, but man does he enjoy it! He was trudging along in eights and serpents, sticking his nose down in the snow here and there, making a half-assed attempt at chasing something I couldn’t see what it was. When I caught up to him, he was quite happy being put on the leash again while he munched on some treats. (actually plain ol’ dry dog food!) The walk home along the road was undertaken at a speed and in a manner that could have you believe he has passed obedience classes!
February 19, 2008
No News Is Good News
Yesterday I went to the local hospital so they could draw blood for the tests again. So far I haven’t heard anything from the regional hospital, so I assume it’s a go for the next wave tomorrow. Considering that I haven’t felt sick in any which way, I would have been very surprised had the blood tests been really poor. My appointment is for 1 PM, which means that we can leave at a more humane hour than we did for my first treatment. Actually – I might even get a chance to do some shopping before I go to the hosiptal!
February 15, 2008
Best Comic Strip
I ‘found’ For Better Or For Worse when my son was a toddler, and it became my favorite comic strip from that day on. Lynn Johnston has described my family (and yours?) with absolute perfection since 1979, but now she has decided to call it quits. That makes my collection of her books even more dear to me and I’m sure they will give me numerous more laughs over the years. The above strip could have been an illustration to what it looked like in our den the other night – Tjorro was by my feet doing exactly the same thing as Eddy and my reaction was exactly the same as Elly’s.
Earlier today I was moping around the house thinking about what a dull week this has been. Strange and unpredictable weather, couldn’t very well go outside, didn’t have the energy to do much of anything inside….
Then I remembered ‘the-world’s-smallest-record-player….’ which I’ve used to demonstrate for others when they’ve complained and belly-ached for no good reason.
Unlike the absolute majority of lung cancer-patients, I was lucky enough that mine was detected in Stage I. I was operated on within 5 weeks of my first appointment at the local hospital and am now receiving supplementary chemo which will further better my chances of surviving – and I was feeling sorry for myself!
Having come thus far in my thinking I finished cleaning the house, got dressed and went out with Tjorro.
February 12, 2008
Some Links
Before I started my first web-log, I had spent a lot of time on the Net looking for information about lung cancer. I also wanted to find out if there were any others with cancer who had gone public like I intended to.
The result in Swedish was pretty slim – the usual links to the Cancer Society, information from various pharmaceutical companies, hospital manuals for-the-care-of and a few others written in ‘officialeese’ but nothing written by a fellow patient.
Googling ‘lung cancer’ in English gave the same type of official pages only many, many more – and links to a number of organisations, advocasy-groups and personal web-logs. At first I was surprised there were so few writing about lung cancer but once I processed all of the information the reason became quite obvious. The survival rate is lousy, since lung cancer most often is not discovered until it has reached a stage where the chance of recovery is dicey at best.
Also – lung cancer is not chic. There is no colored-ribbon charity for lung cancer and isn’t it your own life style that caused it? Sure, indeed the majority of lung cancer patients have smoked or are still smoking – but not all! Three of the most poignant web-logs I found, are written by non-smokers who have battled lung cancer and won – so far. Please visit Bo, Stig, and Jerrold.
Another of my finds, Mom’s Cancer is written by Brian Fies. His mother battled cancer but sadly succumbed due to side effects from all the medication she received. Of course it is sad to read about someone who lost the battle – but it still gives me hope in a strange way. ‘Hope is never in vain’ as Brian Fies points out in closing.
February 11, 2008
The Light Is Coming Back
This morning I woke up because the early morning light snuck in under the blind shortly after 6 AM. That was a bit too early to get up, but it felt so nice I couldn’t go back to sleep.
Tjorro is one happy and proud dog tonight. He’s been an ardent hunter of mice and all manners of small rodents from a very young age but never very apt at catching anything. A lot of my runs/walks with him has been me waiting while he’s been excavating under roots, ant-hills and gone to the bottom in various piles of snow. Depending on the season this becomes boring and/or cold – now he may have stumbled on a way to shorten the walks considerably. After supper tonight there was a tremendous ruckus outside our house – things going bump and the dog barking hysterically.
He had cornered a mouse behind some lumber on the porch…
