I’ve been in a real funk lately.
Mostly because I’ve had to re-evaluate the last 10-12 years of my life, since it appears that what I believed to be a true view of my ex wasn’t even close to the truth. Not that he was unfaithful – it’s his actions after our break-up that really makes me wonder what kind of person it was I spent all those years with.
For starters, I kind of thought it would take him more time to “get over” our relationship, but apparently he has a very short turnaround time.
I am still reeling every now and then, when it hits me that my life has changed so incredibly much in just the last 2 months. He on the other hand, seems to have had a plan for all this for quite some time. Why else would he be out on the market on dating sites looking for female company within days of me moving out?
How do I know?
Through an acquaintance who also trawls those sites for a possible mate.
Does that mean he was done with me long before the actual break-up, and I didn’t realise that? What about last winter? Was all his care and attention during my operation and chemo nothing more than acting on his part?
Or, and this is what really breaks me – is this a true presentation of his personality these days? Who was it I lived with for all those years? Who is he? I mean, really!
Is he someone who will make himself out as being far more open-minded than what he really is – far more accepting of others than what is the actual truth? Pretend to be a person who has certain interests, who enjoys champagne breakfasts, romantic walks on the beach and God-knows-what - to attract a woman who is anywhere between the ages of 35 and 45? He presents himself as having an occupation at which he hasn’t been active for some 15 years…
Is this signs of someone who is suffering from a belated middle-age crisis – or what?
I’ve been battling with this post for the last two weeks. At first, I was not going to make it public – for the shame of it. Then I thought I should keep a “stiff upper lip” and pretend that I think life is jolly good… Then I decided that I need to put this out there and get your advice, because I don’t seem to be able to let go of this.
Am I right in ranting and raving – to myself, to my journal, during walks around town?
Or
Should I understand his need to find a younger and slightly less shop-worn companion, who will join him for romantic dinners at candle-lit restaurants
(yea, right!)
and who can partake in lively discussions about the mysteries of life?
Romantic dinners??? In restaurants??? We didn’t do that, because he was too fracking cheap!
Discussions about the mysteries of life??? Was that what we did, when the talk was about the ills of various engines in different states of disrepair???
I must’ve missed an awful lot of things over the years.
Now, why do I still cry, every now and then?
Oh my dear friend. It sounds like he is not able to be on his own, and is falsely presenting himself on dating sites to compensate for his insecurity. I would hope that his support and care for you through your recovery was genuine, I’m sure you would have known deep down if it wasn’t. I know a lot of men who do this, who seem to think “woo hoo I’m free and single” to crash and burn very quickly. He will soon see himself as the fool that you and all the rest of us do. YOU are the strong one to be starting over and not evading the reality, like it sounds like he is doing. Women always seem to deal with their hurt openly, like you are doing. That is the HEALTHY way to do it. It is impossible to forget all the years that you were together, and although at this point he appears to be avoiding it, it will soon hit him that he is compensating for his immaturity and insecurity. I would hope that you would continue to make posts like this. I can only speak (or type) for myself but I’m sure the rest of us who all read want to help you through this, even if it is with words. So please keep writing, whether it’s here or in your journal. Just please remember one thing. A private journal is just that, a journal. We are all here to leave comments and virtual hugs.
Comment by Tina — September 30, 2008 @ 11:28 pm
Tina has just said everything I wanted to say.
Comment by Megan — October 1, 2008 @ 3:38 am
Thank you both.
Just putting all this into words meant for others, helped me sort things out a bit. I know there’s going to be more ups and downs before I can file this under “Experience” but for now I need to rant and rave a bit! After that I must find a way of being understanding and maybe even forgiving, since all this takes too much energy out of me.
Oh and Tina – I’ll definitely be using the “Wise Women Web” for this!
Comment by allmycke — October 1, 2008 @ 6:58 am
Having just come out of a long-term relationship myself, I would just say that it is best to take things one day at a time. Things seem OK for ages and then they don’t for a while – but with time the dips get less deep and less frequent.
And people do strange things when they are suddenly confronted with space and freedom. They have to try things and find their way. I did some weird things too – it was all part of the process. It is just a shame when the working things out stuff ends up being seen by the other person and hurts them or confuses them.
And yes, your other commenters are right. I think writing through it does help. It did for me. I wrote in my private diary every day for months and months – sometimes more than once a day, and I wrote on here too. It all helped. But nothing takes the place of time. It sounds trite I know but time does heal. I would have whopped anyone who had said that to me last year – but they would have been right.
Big hugs to you xx
Comment by Reluctant Blogger — October 1, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
I think we do become different people at different times, whether because we’re grieving, hormonal, sleep-deprived, or contented with life. I hope any woman your ex meets realizes he’s “on the rebound”, as they say — it’s not usually the time a relationship works out.
Cut yourself some slack, too. Two months in not much time to heal from losing a relationship of twelve years. Hang in there!
Comment by Fawn — October 1, 2008 @ 5:43 pm
I’d have to echo everything Tina has said.
I suppose people deal with things in different ways and he’s perhaps trying to cope as best he can.
I’d say his approach is coming from someone who is too scared and lacking in confidence to work though the situation in an open and thorough manner.
Perhaps he things burying himself in a new relationship will mean he can avoid addressing the issues that may have lead to the breakdown of yours.
Comment by Stacey — October 2, 2008 @ 1:39 am
What a feeling of betrayal. I don’t have any answers but just remember that whoever he is/was doesn’t change who you were/are. Keep your chin up.
Comment by Jenn @ Juggling Life — October 2, 2008 @ 2:01 am
I can only imagine the pain you are feeling, but just the thinking of it makes my gut hurt. I sincerely hope that the sharing of it makes the pain a little bit less for you.
We care.
All of the others who have responded before me have good words and good advice.
Comment by kcinnova — October 5, 2008 @ 3:31 am
I think I’m going to print out all of your comments and put them on my fridge… on the mirror in the bathroom… make them into wallpaper for my PC at home… and at work!
How can I ever thank you all?
Comment by allmycke — October 5, 2008 @ 8:06 am